Messages from my mother

I've come to realise that I am not keeping this blog so anyone will see it, it is here purely for my own sake. So I can look back and view my memories as they were when they were made; so I can learn from past mistakes; so I am never the mother mine was.

These are some messages I received today and I don't know what they mean, even now:

Mum: "I love u and always will. I hurt and probably always will. Not that anyone gives a shit. No one makes it any easier"

To which I replied: " I care mum, but you have said yourself that there is nothing I can do to make this better. I love you, there really  isn't much more I can say"

Mum: "Nope nothing to say apart from u have all the pretend family who really don't give a shit. Fake as. As long as u r happy that's all that matters. One day u will know more."

Mum (again): "I will always remember the little girl crying because she was so hurt and me living in fear I'd loose my kids or they'd be harmed. When ur a mother u may get it. Just goes to show u can be the biggest Arsehole in life and get away with absolutely everything."

If anyone who happens across this actually understands this, please explain it to me, it would be really helpful for me to know.

Thanks

Pure Stupidity

My eyes slowly drifted open.
I stretched knocking this off the bedside table.
Rubbing my eyes I reached to pick my phone off the floor.
Time: 8:00.
Crap! I was late for school.

I jumped out of my bed (literally) searching frantically for any traces of my white school blouse. Screwed up in the laundry basket. Fantastic. I stretched it out, trying to iron out the creases with my hand. Yeah, fail. I shrugged the shirt over my shoulders and examined myself in the mirror. Too creased. Damn. There had to be an iron around here somewhere. After rummaging through the laundry cupboards for a solid ten minutes, I found it sitting my the fire place. And it was dirty. My father had been using it to try to peel the ugly, old wall paper off the wall. I hate that man sometimes (not really). Screw it. I was going to iron anyway.

Another glitch, no ironing board. No dining room table. Damn this whole moving in thing! Oh, I know. I have a brilliant idea. Why not use my plastic school folder as a board? So I plugged the iron in, sat on my bed, wrapped my shirt around the folder, placed the folder on my lap and proceeded to iron my blouse. Turns out the whole plastic thing wasn't the issue. Ironing on a folder was far harder than expected. I pulled the iron back, it slipped of the folder and ended up on my leg, leaving a 6 cm long, 2cm wide triangle on me leg.

I am such a smart child!

My friends had a field day with that one. I wish I had a camera so I could take a photo and attach it. So you can all laugh at me too (If there is anyone present). Laugh at me, I like making people smile. If there's anyone out there, what stupid things have you done recently?

Something about nothing

It seems that every blog I've posted has revolved around the pessimistic aspects of my life. The parts that are so filled with drama, they are possible, if not likely story lines in some cheesy soap opera. So, regardless of my change in blog title, I will share with you a little secret. My life is not completely composed of ridiculous, over the top drama.

Don't get me wrong, this blog is the most honest I could ever be, but I tend to share only the moments that break my heart. There is more to life than that.

Welcome to the Life and Truths of a Teenage Optimist!

Life is going  my way. I can honestly say, I am happy. I have a great new house, quaint, my own room. My father appears to be wrapped around my little finger. I love him to death. I am laughing... all of the time. Even when things aren't that funny. I seem to be one of a handful of people that actually know what they want to do with their life, and I've rediscovered my passion for writing. I am seriously having difficulty in finding something to complain about. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrell here!

It seems like such a short, boring list. Things that many people seem to experience most of their lives. it's new for me, and I am experiencing this new foudn optimism that no matter where the wind takes me, no matter how many ditches there are in the road, everything will always turn out all right. it seems impossible to express in words how I feel right, now, in this point of my life. Sure sometimes I will feel stress, I am in my final year of high school. There is so much more, so many messeges I want to get accross, but they will have to wait.

The princess is finally on her feet, and may never fall again!

Tah-Tah For Now. Until another day...

The Lion, the King and the Princess

Once upon a time in a not so far away land, a princess slept in her castle, but, not so far away a lioness slept in a cave holding her father, the king close. She could hear it's load snoring through her castle walls and she nervously awaited it's awakening. It seemed to be a time bomb waiting ti go off at any minute. The princess went about her daily activities the only way she knew how, trying to keep quiet, so not to wake the sleeping lioness, but the lioness was angry and did not like the princess. One day, when the King was on official royal business, the lioness snuck into the castle impersonating the King. The Princess, however saw through the horrible disguise and was horrified at this deliberate intrusion.

Anger swelled up inside the princess, and so she challenged the lioness to a duel. The lioness quickly accepted, and after only a few moments the princess came to her senses and quickly tried to withdraw her challenge, but it was too late, the lioness had a cunning plan and the castle guards were on their way to seize the princess. The lioness had accused her of treachery. Tears welled up in the princess's eyes, and after a short glance back to the lioness's grinning face she ran out the castle gates and into the dead city streets below. And there she kept on running. She was sure the King would prosecute her for her behaviour.

Soon the King came and found her and the Princess was scared she would be sent away again. She thought of the Queen  high in her tower, and part of her wished she could just go back home. But the King surprised her and swept her up in his arms and took her far away from the lioness's cave. After many weeks of sleeping in the royal stables the King and the Princess found a small home far away from the lioness's cave and the beautiful castle the princess one knew.

The home was not grand, or beautiful, or isolated, but it was a home and the Princess hopes she could stay there forever and ever. The Princess and King now lives among the peasents, and were no longer royalty, just normal people, with all the riches they desire and the love of their people. Their friends.

On The Road Again.

Another Chapter in the book of me. So I've left my "new life" in order to find newer one. I have left the home I have known for eight months and am on my way to finding a new one. The New, New Life of a Teen Blogger. This time I have company on this endevour. My father and I will find this life together.

Step 1: Make it through Preliminary HSC exams.
Step 2: Find a house (seems like it should come first doesn't it?)

And... That's all I hvae planned, really. Does winging it count as a plan?

Another Night

A fight. An apology. No resolution.
 An argument. And the War begins again.
 An apology. Is she trying to save me, or is she trying to save her marriage?
 Is she motivated by selfishness or sympathy?
Empathy? She feels nothing for me.
I know that, it could not be made much clearer,
 but then she does something,
unexpected,
that throws the hatred out of balance.
 Confusion.
Domestic Violence?

None of this makes sense to me. Do you understand?

Holidays, Books and Family

So I almost forgot this blog existed, it seems I have been doing so much lately, yet nothing that seems worth blogging about. But I'm back!

It is school holidays in Australia at the moment which means I have two weeks to kill, so naturally I stay with my nan, who lives just around the corner from my old house. I sayed at my Aunty's (mum's sister) last week, I haven't seen her in almost 9 months, so it was interesting. It made me realise how much I missed my mum. Who I am seeing tonight, I don't know whether I am nervous or excited. So stay tuned for some possible mum drama.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Anyone who has not read the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare, READ IT! I could not adore thee books more. I just finished the fourth book and I remembered why I fell in love with them.

So I should probably get back to work, I'm supposed to be babysitting.

ttfn

New Love

Hair of mahogany, 

Eyes to match

Friendly, kind, 

Playful, funny, loyal

I am in love...

With a Dog 

 

The doors of the bus opened with a whine. I jumped of the step and walked down the step narrow road to my house. I hear footsteps, light, slow and steady. Then a run. My stomach does flips. Is someone following me? I walk a little bit faster, then I hear... Panting. A soft tuft of fur rubs against me. I look down. A collarless mahogany Border Colie (I think, So says the King) sits at my feet. I laugh. "Go away!" I say, playfully, pointing in the the other direction. He looks at me for a second. He follows the direction of my hand. Runs a couple of paces then circles back to me. I laughed and continued on my way home. 

When I got to the driveway I bid my goodbyes, as I walked up the driveway he continues down the road, stops, our eyes meet. Then he bolts towards me with a "Just Tricking" kind of attitude. He/she chases me up the driveway and into the backyard, tail wagging.I give. He wants to play. He jumps and twirls an spins. I checked again for a collar, none. Maybe a stray? Sit I say, he looks at me with a clueless expression, then does as his told. Again with the "Just Tricking" attitude. Suddenly I trust him and I send my sister out to play with him. 

She calls him sparkle. Together we name him Sasha. When the King arrives home from his duties he forbids us to see him, slamming the door behind him. But the damage is done I have already fallen in love, the trouble is that it is impossible to see Sasha in the kings wake, So I wait. Hours pass before the Kings finally falls asleep. My heart pounds, what if he thinks I have abandoned him. Most of my being expected him to be gone, but when I open the door, there she lays, body pressed against the door frame. 

Part of me hopes that he goes back to a new home and the no collar thing is another "Just Tricking" moment, because I know that I can't keep him, but another much more selfish part hopes that he will never leave. Most of me hopes that he will stay until morning. Even if it is just to say goodbye. 

The Familiar

I'm sitting in the house I almost grew up in.

My Nan's house, the only place I have been able to feel safe for the entire 16 years and 5 months of my existence. So the place has changed since the first day I stepped over the thresh-hold (or more likely, my Mum did with me in her arms). There's new furniture, a fresh coat of paint on the walls, but somethings haven't changed, like how easy it is just to be here. Nothing has ever felt so familiar.


I saw my Mum today. Well not my Mum exactly, in fact I am almost positive that she did not see me. Here I was, sitting in my Uncle's car when this red Holden commodore comes around the corner, the last thing I recognised was the car it's self, I just saw that number-plate that I had memorised so many years ago whooshing by. My stomach did little flips, but no major disaster struck. I guess I just miss her...


I ran into kind of a friend of hers today when I was walking my cousin to the soccer park, of all places. She told me how devastated my Mum was when I left. Yeah, thanks for that.


So here's another negative-ish blog from Scarlet... again.


There is a positive. Since I've been here I've met up with  the old friends that I haven't seen since graduation and everything just fell into place. Rachael, Ashleigh, Laura... I adore you! You are truly precious!

An Update-ish Post

*Ring, Ring* Grandma.
"Hello?" my voice was shaking.
Why was I so nervous about speaking to my own family?
Why wouldn't I be?

All up, It was a fairly pleasant conversation, I hadn't realised how much I missed her.
Nothing to be scared about...

Stress has been getting to my head.
I've been irritable,
unable to concentrate,
quiet, although what else is new?

History is repeating it's self,
I'm increasingly insecure around my friends,
and I'm whinging to a keyboard, and you, I guess.
Sorry about that...

So I just wanted to write something,
and ridiculously enough I had no object in mind when I started this post.
I trust life enough to know that it will have to go right sooner or later.

Over and out,
Thank you xxx

The Queen and Her Tower

Once upon a time, In the land we had visited not so long ago there lived a Queen whose daughter the Princess had left to live with the King. The Queen was fill of sorrow and hatred so she locked her self in an ivory tower high above the clouds where no one could reach her, least of all the Princess who had broken her mother's heart.

One day word got to the Princess that the young Prince, her brother, was going to visit the Queen in her tower so the King decided he was to take the Princess so she could visit the Queen and the Prince. The Princess  knew that her mother would be pained to see her, especially if she was accompanied  by the King, but the Princess missed the Queen and simply wanted a smile.

When the Princess arrived at the ivory tower the King remained at the edge of the woods so the Princess could go alone. When she arrived she watched as the Prince climbed a rope into his mothers arms. The sounds of joy and laughter floated from the window. She could picture her mother's smiling face. The Princess sucked in a deep breath and reached out for the rope, but when she did the rope was ripped from her grip and hauled into the tower.

The Queen's face popped out the window. The Princess opened her arms to her, hoping there had been a mistake. The Queen wore an expression of loathing.
"As long as you live with the King you cannot be my daughter" she shouted, closing the window behind her.

The Princess crumbled to the ground, tears flowed down her face. The Queen could never love her again and the Princess would have to stop loving her too.

Suddenly silhouette wings sprouted between her shoulder blades and carried her far, far away where she found open arms and was loved.

Acceptance

All the time things are written and said about teenagers and their search for identity. It is said so often that it is almost a cliche, and in my mind this wasn't true. Until now...

It seems that I have been striving for acceptance and to feel like I belong again. After being torn from a school and the friends I was comfortable with I was thrown into a new world where all the rules have been changed and in stead of being the confident, happy person I had become with my friends I have become a shy, quiet girl who fades into the background. It seems no one knows who I am.

So I've been at this school for two months now, I'm no longer the new girl, but I still haven't found my place. they organise things around me and I always take a step back to avoid being involved. I am isolating myself. Not for the first time.

Nothing is different at home. Everything about this situation feels temporary, this room, this house, this life. Like one day I'm going to wake up and be somewhere that I was meant to be. I feel like things are still changing.

So for tonight I am going to close my eyes and drift into a world of silhouette dreams and wait for tomorrow.

xxx

Such is High School

Big Breath in, Big Breath out. JUICE!  That's what my friend used to tell me whenever anything was bothering me. Unfortunately that policy doesn't work for Math - The Bane of My Existence.Another ditch in the road that is High School. So here I am stuck here, head spinning with numbers that have no solutions.

The novelty of the new girl has finally worn of, whether this is a good thing or a bad thing is yet to be decided.

The school its self, well that is also yet to be decided. nee buildings, new people, new teachers. My life has changed more than even I can comprehend. So why aren't I missing the old one? I have never been a fan of change. I miss my friends. I miss my mum. I have no regrets.

This is my life now, with the good and the bad.



~*~

P.S: So I guess I've written a diary entry, which (after my first post) I have been trying to avoid, or at least make it more interesting. 

The Story so Far...

Once upon a time there was a Princess. But she wasn't like the usual princesses. She didn't claim to be beautiful or bright or covered in jewels. She was a princess that was just like all the other peasants in the village.

One day the Queen crept into her bedroom while she was sleeping. She roused the princess who then sat up with a little yawn. The queen told the princess that she was to be sent seven hours away for the summer because she couldn't stay cooped up in the castle all day long.

But the princess didn't want to go blueberry picking. She had to focus on her studies and she had plans with her friends. The queen wasn't happy with this at all. So after many words shared the queen told the princess to pack her bags and travel to live with the kind, who lived many miles away from the queen. The princess unwillingly obliged and packed her bags in anticipation for the kings arrival.

Since that day the princess has been living with the king much to the queens dismay. Many tears have been shed, and the queen and the princess have gone their separate ways. Will they ever be be reconstituted or will they forever remain enemies stuck in a stupid feud?

The New Girl

Walking through a crowded building, folder clutched to my chest. Everyone was staring at me. I could feel their eyes on me, burning with curiosity. Who was she? Why was she here? I was the shiny new toy.  They already knew that I wasn't one of them.

As we shuffled into the crowded hall I tried to find my place. The hall was split in two. I picked a side. The wrong side. Thankfully I was saved. She said hello. She smiled. Maybe I wasn't so different. There were others, like me. Lost in confused. Utterly bewildered by the enormity of the world they had been tossed into.

I said my name over and over as the day progressed. "Hi, I'm Scarlet." So many introductions, so many names to  remember. People smiled and greeted me, some would never speak to me again, others would become an important part of my life for years to come. Some I remember, others drifted from my memory after mere hours.

Lost in a world of would be friends and could be enemies will I ever find a place? Will the shiny new toy lose it's sparkle and find a comfortable place on the shelf? It seems only time will tell. Until then I will enter my new life with confidence and grace, even if i have to bury the knots in my stomach deep inside and wait until the 'new' part is over.

Day One- Decisions

So here I am. A new bedroom, a new house, a new school a whole new life. I knew it would come to this eventually, but I thought it would be on my terms. Not hers.

Let me explain.

Only two months ago I was living at my Mum's house in the busy suburbs. I won't lie, I was miserable. My mother and I spent every waking minute fighting. There was always something that I was doing wrong. I guess a lot of teenagers feel that way, but my mum has a tendency to over-react to things. Mum and I were arguing because I didn't want to take the blueberry picking job that my grandfather had offered me (I'm not even kidding.) We both said some things that we shouldn't have said. Eventually  (while I was sulking in my bedroom) my mum called my dad and told him to pick me up.

At first I thought it was only going to be for a visit, and I think she did too, but after the first time I spoke with her and she completely abused me over the phone, I wasn't so sure. She sent my stuff to my fathers house, and hour and a half away, it doesn't seem like far, but it's far enough that I'm in a whole new environment and have to start at a new school. 

What makes matters worse is mum had organised a cruise before the argument and although mum has invited me, I don't think I will be going seeing as all she seems to be able to do is insult me, her own daughter. She seems to have forgotten that she sent me here.

So that brings me back to where I am today, in a make-shift bedroom on the first floor of my fathers house. It's not exactly what I'm used to but it's home. So there's a basic outline of the current complications my life has to offer.

Welcome to the New Life of a Teen Blogger!